Sometimes you might ask yourself why is dating so hard nowadays.
You hear of amazing dating experiences and people that just found their soulmate and have an amazing relationship ever since.
And it is normal to want that for yourself too. Hence why, if your timeline doesn’t coincide with others’ you might feel like you’re failing at dating.
Everyone has gone through dating of some sorts at one point or another. And like most of us, I’m sure you have your array of weird and sometimes terrible stories of past dates and experiences.
Sometimes it takes only a few dates to know that a person is not right for you, and then other times it takes a whole relationship to understand that.
Whether you’re finding your dates online, in real life or both, below are some of the most common reasons why is dating so hard sometimes.
There are some that you can work on and improve the overall situation for yourself and there are some that are out of your control, but still can shift your perception about.
Reasons you can do something about
1. Not knowing what you want
This I believe is one of the reasons why you might feel that dating is quite hard.
Not knowing what you want in a partner and relationship can cause you a lot of anxiety and also not knowing if you’ve actually got that or not.
It’s like walking through a store and not knowing what you want to buy. You can walk for days and still not find it, if you don’t know what you’re looking for.
Do yourself a favor and sit down with a piece of paper and a pen and outline what it is that you want in a relationship and what your ideal partner is like.
I’ve done the same just before meeting my husband and it helped me not only be more focused, but also sift out quickly all of those potential dates that didn’t even come close to my list. And not lose any time or energy with those that weren’t even cutting it close to my list.
2. Carrying around too much emotional baggage
Especially if we date for quite a while, we might hold on to various emotions that we get after either a past relationship or simply just weird dating experiences.
Maybe even from our family or even interactions with friends.
The sources for our emotional baggage are plenty.
One thing we should remember is to also let it go once in a while.
As you wouldn’t carry with you the same baggage if you would fly to Paris and then to Hawaii and then to India. Similarly your emotional baggage, that might have helped you cope at some point, is not suitable for every relationship.
Start by making a list of all emotional baggage you feel you’ve got left with from past relationships and interactions with people.
Then start working on eliminating each one.
Your ideal partner should not be put under pressure of having to deal with all of that baggage that was put on you by others.
3. Having too many possible choices
It might sound counterintuitive, but having too much choice can be paralyzing.
It can get you to a point where you literally cannot decide who you want to be with and who you like better.
I remember talking to my parents about dating and how they used to do it back in their days. And truth be told, they found someone they liked and they started a relationship and then got married and then kids and the rest.
They didn’t think it through too much as they already felt they’ve got the best they could.
I’m not saying that you should settle for someone, I’m just saying that in a world where you have access to literally everyone anywhere around the world, it can be a bit daunting to actually choose.
However, having a list of character traits you would like your perfect partner to have, would help you decide who is a contender and who isn’t.
4. Believing that life is as it is shown in romantic movies or romantic books
Honestly, I love a good romantic movie or even a book with a good story. That being said, they do tend to exaggerate many things and set unrealistic expectations.
And although life can sometimes be more spectacular than movies, things just don’t happen like they do in movies.
And even if they do, we might not see them as dramatic at first as we only see one side, as we would be seeing it only from one movie character’s point of view.
You should still definitely wish for your happily ever after, but also keep in mind that reality is still different from movies.
5. The belief that the guy needs to always make the first move
Matthew Hussey, dating coach, was talking about this in an interview where he was coaching a woman who always expected men to take the first step when it comes to dating.
And he said that even in older times, women always took initiative. They were dropping their handkerchief and all sorts of hidden messages to let guys know that they’re interested so the guys would actually have the courage to make the first move.
I tend to agree with him. Have you read most of romantic books? They all have at least 1 or 2 stories about women who actually took the first step.
And even if this would be a ‘modern’ thing. What’s wrong with taking the first step?
Growing up with a brother I was always surrounded by lots of guys as I always was the group’s little sister. And I’ve heard them talking so many times about girls and how scared they were to make the first step and how confused they were whether the girls actually like them or not.
The guy can have initiative in other things in the dating phase or even in the relationship and it doesn’t necessarily mean they need to take the very first step too.
You’re a strong and independent woman who, presumably, knows what she wants.
So if you like a guy, feel free to let him know.
What’s the worst that can happen? I mean he’s not dating you right now. And the worst could be that he will refuse you, which still doesn’t change the current situation.
However, the best that could happen is that you guys might end up dating and falling in love with each other.
6. The language that you use when it comes to dating.
Language is super important in everything that we do, but especially in dating and relationships.
I understand that you might want to look like you’re modest and not too braggy, or even that you’re not bothered about dating life. Or you might even want to avoid appearing desperate at all costs.
So you end up using words and expressions like: I don’t care, I’m just browsing, not actually interested in a relationship etc.
I’m sorry to say this, but by using this type of language you’re only coming across as a negative person and someone who is genuinely not interested in dating and so most people will just end up avoiding you.
People tend to be drawn towards happy people and that happiness comes through not only via our smile and general energy, but also the words we’re using.
Everything you find yourself using the same negative words when it comes to dating, make sure to swap it with a positive one instantly.
7. Wanting to date just because everyone else is doing it
When you start, or re-start dating you should do it for the right reasons.
Not because others tell you that you should, or because everyone else is doing it and you feel left out.
If you’re forcing yourself to date, it will most likely feel like it is very hard to do, and you won’t enjoy it.
Dating can be a lot of fun if done right and with the right mindset.
8. Allowing yourself to become desperate
I understand that if you’ve been dating for a long time, you can become quite desperate in finding the right partner for you.
However, if you allow yourself to become desperate, this desperation can be sensed by others. And men, or women, will flee even more.
Again, we’re drawn towards happy and joyful people so try and find a hobby or something that you truly enjoy doing. And do that as often as you can.
This will help you stay positive, have a happy vibe that attracts people towards you AND stay away from desperation.
9. Having a belief that you always attract the wrong kind of people
This might simply be the reason because you don’t know what and how to attract the right ones at all.
Try focusing on what type of people you would like to attract into your life instead of what you don’t want.
Whatever we focus on we attract and manifest into our lives.
So if you already know what you don’t want, write down for each point what would be the positive of that. Then focus only on that.
For example I always knew that loyalty for me is very important and high in my core values. So instead of focusing on things like: ‘I always seem to attract unreliable and unloyal people’, I changed my narrative and started saying things like: ‘I’m excited about meeting a loyal and reliable person’.
Whatever you focus on you will attract so why not focus on positives.
10. Having a belief that all the good guys or women are taken
You might have the impression that all the good guys, or women, are taken and the only ones you can find are just not right for you.
That just means that you haven’t found your perfect partner just yet.
It is just a case of having patience. Occupying your mind and time with things that we enjoy doing AND try to enjoy dating are a few other suggestions.
11. Having a belief that men or women only want one thing
Some men and women have distorted beliefs about the opposite sex. More so when it comes to dating.
They prefer to tell themselves all kinds of stories to somehow justify their dating failures.
When in fact it is ok to accept the fact that we all had failed dates at some point. Not all dating partners are the right ones for us.
At the end of the day, we only need one good partner, not a hundred.
12. Having a belief that you are not enough
The belief of not being enough is the root of most behaviours.
When you don’t truly feel like you’re enough you tend to accept all sorts of behaviors from others, just to validate this belief.
You also fail to ask for what you would normally deserve, because you don’t feel like you’re enough.
Starting to feel like you’re enough is a process, but quite an important one.
As once you actually get to believe that you indeed are enough, you will not settle for any other partner than what you know you deserve.
13. Other people being too involved in your personal life
Although some people around us like family or close friends might genuinely want what is best for us, they can also ruin things for us out of too much kindness.
They tend to see us in a certain way and they also put all their opinions through their own personal filters.
Also, they are different people with different opinions, likes and dislikes.
Therefore allowing them to be too involved in your personal life can be sometimes too much and more disruptive than helpful.
Make sure that at the end of the day, whatever dating decision you’re taking, it is YOUR decision, based on what YOU want.
Reasons out of your control and you can shift your perception on
14. There are no good men or women left out there
You might arrive at this conclusion after a few dates, but let’s face it: Have you actually met EVERYONE on this planet?
As I can assure you, you haven’t. And I am quite sure that there still are some good men and women out there.
God, or the universe, has proven this to me over and over again, by meeting sooo many good people.
Focus on the good people out there and the more you do that, more of the good ones will come forth.
15. I cannot meet anyone new
Whilst this might be true to some extent, depending on where you actually live, how big or small your town or city is, there are always options.
You can either move, even if temporarily to another place, or even try online dating.
Who knows, there might actually be someone out there who would want to move to where you live, especially if things get serious.
There are always options if you put your mind to finding someone.
16. Some people hide behind online profiles
This does have some truth to it.
However once you discover that they’re not who they said they were, you can simply just move on.
There is no point in losing any sleep over these types of people as they too have their own things to deal with and their own emotional baggages.
17. The quality of dating apps is not the greatest
There are many dating apps out there, that’s true. Unfortunately, none of them can guarantee that their users will be genuine or serious.
Once you understand this, you can accept the fact that you will have to sort out quite a few people that are not suitable for dating you. Either because their profile is fake and they are someone else, or simply because they are looking for something else and your values just don’t align.
18. Others are not dealing with their emotional baggage
Sometimes we might find that it is hard to meet people that we gel with simply because they have too much emotional baggage that they need to deal with.
It is actually a sign of emotional maturity if you notice that in others and you’re setting them loose, until they deal with whatever they need to deal with.
Then you can reconnect later on and see if there are any possibilities of you two dating.
19. Racism
If you’re a part of a minority you’ve definitely faced this at one point or another.
But don’t let this put you off dating altogether.
There still are great people out there who look at a person first and not be bothered by their race or cultural background.
You just need to be consistent with not settling for less and knowing what you actually want in a relationship and from a partner.
20. Trauma
Trauma is not the same as a traumatic event.
Whilst the traumatic event is something that has happened to you. Trauma is you reliving that moment over and over again. And not allowing yourself to move from it.
Depending on the trauma you still replay in your mind, this might keep you from enjoying dating and having the belief that dating is just so hard.
Although not easy or quick, dealing with trauma can release you from the shackles of what happened and enjoy your life to its fullest and dating too.
If you’re uncomfortable talking to a therapist about it, there are many courses that teach you how to uncover trauma from your past and how to deal with it.
Therefore, even dealing with trauma is in your control actually and not in the control of the person who put you through the traumatic event.
Conclusion
Overall, there are many reasons why you might feel like dating is so hard.
However if you tackle each one of them, one by one, you see that in no time you’ll get your excitement back and start enjoying dating, with good and… the not so good sides too. We get to learn from both sides.
Dating might seem like quite the chore, but let’s put the fun back into it and focus on the positive side of it.
