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What is a ‘pick me’ girl or boy? Are you one? How to deal with that?

“Pick me girl or boy! 

I’ve started hearing this term more and more lately, especially on TikTok. 

And naturally, to make sure I understood the term right, I had to do a bit of research on what the ‘pick me’ word means and what is this all about. 

I thought that the younger generation, not that I’m too old, but I thought that today’s teenagers and young adults have discovered something new. 

But have they? 

Continue reading and make that decision yourself. 

Let’s start with the beginning! 

What’s the meaning of ‘pick me’. 

A “pick me” girl or boy is someone who engages in behaviors or attitudes that they believe will make them more attractive or appealing to a specific person or group of people. They often go out of their way to prove their worth, intelligence, or desirability in order to be chosen or liked.

For example, a “pick me” girl may downplay her own interests or accomplishments in order to seem more agreeable to a potential romantic partner. A “pick me” boy may try to present himself as a protector or provider in order to win over a love interest or gain approval from other men.

So far it sounds like everybody who is still dating, or even at the beginning of a new relationship. We all want to put our best foot forward when it comes to dating. And most of us do try to show our best selves when dating. 

However, the behaviour of a ‘pick me’ girl or boy, can often be seen as inauthentic or disingenuous, and may lead to resentment or disappointment if the desired outcome is not achieved. It can also perpetuate harmful gender stereotypes and reinforce unequal power dynamics in relationships. 

Meaning that it’s ok to be your best self, especially when you’re still getting to know someone. But it stops being ok when you show them a totally different personality just so they like you. So much different that they wouldn’t even recognise you if you would show them the true you. 

Many people that go to extremes about trying to make themselves pleasant and liked by others tend to have a very low self-esteem and feel that others won’t like them for who they really are. 

And it can lead to many mental health problems for them, especially if others still don’t like them. Which can leave them quite frustrated with the whole situation. 

What does a pick me girl or boy do to try to be liked or chosen? 

But let’s analyze this further and try to understand what it is that they do that makes them a ‘pick me’ girl or boy. 

They do tend to engage in a variety of behaviors or attitudes in order to try to be liked or chosen. Here are some common examples:

Downplaying their own accomplishments or interests: They may avoid talking about their achievements or interests in order to seem more agreeable or deferential to the person they want to impress.

Seeking validation or approval: They may constantly seek validation or approval from the person they want to impress, often at the expense of their own needs or desires. They put their desires to the side all the time and only consider the other person’s desires, sometimes even mirroring these. 

Changing their appearance or behavior: They may try to change their appearance or behavior to fit the preferences of the person or group they want to impress, even if it is not authentic to who they are. Again, they leave aside who they really are, what they really like and just to as the others do, only to impress them and to feel accepted by them. 

For some, this might sound like the usual teenage years. But even then, most of us would still keep our personality and most of our preferences and desires. Not completely alter who we are, only to be accepted by others. 

Engaging in competition: They may try to compete with other people for the attention or approval of the person or group they want to impress, often by putting others down or belittling their achievements.

Some boys or girls that are fitting the ‘pick me’ profile tend to bully others, only to make themselves look like the better person. 

Playing a certain role: They may try to embody a certain role or archetype that they believe will be more attractive to the person or group they want to impress, such as a caregiver, protector, or provider.

They might come across as super nice and helpful to others, when in fact they are only doing it because they hope people will like them more or even love them for it. 

Overall, “pick me” behavior often involves putting others’ needs or desires before their own in order to gain approval or validation. 

However, this can be harmful and lead to feelings of resentment or dissatisfaction in the long run.

First of all it is exhausting for them to always have to play a role for others. 

And secondly, if their plan doesn’t work, they will end up with a lot of frustration and anger they will eventually need to deal with. People do sense, most of the time, if someone else is genuine or not. So despite all the ‘pick me’ girls’ and boys’ effort, they might still not be liked as much as they wish. 

What are some common behaviors or traits of “pick me” girls or boys?

Here are some common behaviors and traits that are often associated with “pick me” girls or boys:

  1. Attention-seeking: “Pick me” individuals may constantly seek attention and validation from others, particularly from the person or group they want to impress. 
  1. Inauthenticity: They may present an inauthentic version of themselves, suppressing their own thoughts, feelings, and desires in order to fit in or gain approval.
  1. Self-deprecation: They may put themselves down or make self-deprecating comments in order to seem more humble or agreeable to others.
  1. Competitiveness: They may engage in competitive behavior in order to stand out from others and gain attention or validation from the person or group they want to impress.
  1. Lack of boundaries: They may have weak personal boundaries, allowing others to take advantage of them or crossing their own boundaries in order to gain approval or validation.
  1. People-pleasing: They may go out of their way to please others, often at the expense of their own needs or desires.
  1. Narrow-mindedness: They may have a narrow-minded or limited perspective on life, often prioritizing the opinions or beliefs of others over their own.

It’s important to note that these behaviors and traits are not exclusive to “pick me” individuals, and may be present in people who are not engaging in “pick me” behavior as well. Additionally, individuals may exhibit some or all of these traits to varying degrees, and may engage in “pick me” behavior for different reasons.

Also, engaging in ‘pick me’ behaviour can be seasonal too. Where they might try that for a while. Understand that it is not ok, not sustainable and that it is always best to be authentic and they might give that behaviour up. 

Why do some people become “pick me” girls or boys?

The reasons why someone may become a “pick me” girl or boy can be complex and varied. 

One common explanation is that it may stem from a lack of self-confidence or low self-esteem. If someone does not feel confident in their own worth or desirability, they may seek validation or approval from others as a way to boost their self-esteem. 

This can manifest as engaging in behaviors that they believe will make them more appealing or attractive to others.

Another potential explanation is that “pick me” behavior may be a result of societal pressures or expectations. 

For example, women are often socialized to prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own, and may feel pressure to be agreeable and accommodating in order to be seen as desirable or feminine. 

Men may feel pressure to be dominant or assertive in order to prove their masculinity or worth as a provider. These societal expectations can lead individuals to engage in “pick me” behavior as a way to conform to these ideals.

In some cases, “pick me” behavior may also be a result of trauma or past experiences. 

For example, someone who has experienced rejection or abandonment may develop a pattern of seeking validation or approval from others as a way to avoid further rejection.

Ultimately, the reasons why someone may become a “pick me” girl or boy are complex and multifaceted, and may vary from person to person. 

It’s important to approach these behaviors with empathy and understanding, rather than judgment or criticism.

We never know what others have gone through that led them to be the person they are today. 

And although we might jump to conclusions and judge them very quickly, we should keep in mind that there is a possibility that we would’ve done the same thing if we would’ve had the same background and experience. 

From the outside things appear in a totally different light than from the inside. 

Are these types of people more prevalent in certain cultures or social circles?

I’ve read on many forums and websites that certain cultures, might be more prone to have people who have this behaviour of ‘pick me’ than others. 

However, “pick me” behavior is not limited to any particular culture or social circle, and can be found in people from all walks of life. 

The specific behaviors and attitudes associated with “pick me” behavior may vary across cultures and social groups.


For example, some cultures may socialize women to prioritize men’s needs and desires, which leads to a higher prevalence of “pick me” behavior among women. Similarly, other cultures may expect men to be dominant or assertive, which leads to a higher prevalence of “pick me” behavior among men.

Similarly, in certain social circles, there may be greater pressure to conform to specific ideals or expectations. 

For example, in some academic or professional circles, there may be pressure to appear intelligent or accomplished, leading to a greater prevalence of “pick me” behavior focused on intellectual achievements or career success.

It’s important to note that “pick me” behavior is not inherently negative, and may be a natural part of human interaction and socialization. 

However, it can become problematic if it leads to individuals suppressing their own needs or desires in order to gain approval or validation from others. 

Ultimately, the prevalence of “pick me” behavior may depend on a variety of cultural, social, and individual factors, and can vary widely from person to person.

What age group is most likely to become a pick me girl or boy?

Although the common belief is that teenagers are those who have more tendencies of ‘pick me’, actually there is no specific age group that is more likely to become a “pick me” girl or boy. 

“Pick me” behavior can manifest at any age, and may be influenced by a variety of factors, including societal pressures, past experiences, and personal beliefs. 

However, it is possible that individuals who are still developing their sense of self and navigating relationships may be more susceptible to “pick me” behavior. 

For example, teenagers and young adults who are exploring their identities and seeking validation from peers may be more likely to engage in “pick me” behavior. 

It’s important to note, however, that “pick me” behavior can occur at any age and is not limited to a particular age group.

Why is it bad to be a pick me girl or boy? 

It’s important to note that “pick me” behavior is not inherently bad, and may be a natural part of human interaction and socialization. 

Seeking validation and approval from others is a common and understandable desire, and may be a healthy aspect of building relationships and connections with others.

However, “pick me” behavior can become problematic if it leads to individuals suppressing their own needs or desires in order to gain approval or validation from others. 

Meaning they are going to extremes to hide their true personality and only display a personality that they think others want to see. 

This can be damaging to one’s sense of self-worth and can lead to resentment or unhappiness in the long term. 

Additionally, “pick me” behavior can reinforce harmful societal ideals or expectations, such as the idea that women should prioritize the needs of men or that men should always be dominant and assertive.

Furthermore, “pick me” behavior can lead to unhealthy and imbalanced relationships with others. 

If someone is constantly seeking validation or approval from another person or group, it can create a power imbalance and may lead to unhealthy dynamics in the relationship. 

Additionally, “pick me” behavior can lead to a lack of authenticity and vulnerability in relationships, as individuals may be suppressing their true thoughts and feelings in order to gain approval or validation.

Therefore, while “pick me” behavior is not inherently bad, it can become problematic if it leads to individuals suppressing their own needs or desires, reinforcing harmful societal expectations, or creating imbalanced relationships with others. 

It’s important to prioritize one’s own needs and desires, and to approach relationships with authenticity and vulnerability.

It is important to also accept others as they are, with their different qualities and quarks. The more we do this, the more the following generations will see that it is ok and safe to be who you really are, without needing other people’s approval. 

What are the consequences of this strange behavior, and how does it affect relationships?

Being a “pick me” girl or boy can have a variety of consequences, both for the individual engaging in the behavior and for their relationships with others.

One consequence of “pick me” behavior is that it can lead to a lack of authenticity in relationships. 

If someone is constantly trying to please others or gain their approval, they may suppress their true thoughts and feelings in order to conform to what they believe others want. 

This can create a dynamic where the individual is not being their authentic self, which can be detrimental to building deep and meaningful connections with others.

Another consequence of “pick me” behavior is that it can create an imbalance of power in relationships. If someone is constantly seeking validation or approval from another person or group, they may be putting that person or group on a pedestal, which can create a dynamic where the individual is subservient to the other party. 

This can lead to an unhealthy power dynamic in the relationship, which can be detrimental to both parties.

Additionally, “pick me” behavior can lead to a lack of respect and boundaries in relationships. 

If someone is constantly trying to please others or gain their approval, they may be more likely to compromise their own values or needs in order to do so. 

This can lead to a lack of respect for oneself, as well as a lack of respect from others, who may take advantage of the individual’s willingness to please.

Overall, “pick me” behavior can have a variety of negative consequences for individuals and their relationships with others. 

It can lead to a lack of authenticity, an imbalance of power, and a lack of respect and boundaries. 

It’s important to be aware of these potential consequences and to prioritize one’s own needs and desires in relationships.

Basically if someone is constantly in this ‘pick me’ behaviour mode, they are not only lying to their partners, but to themselves as well. They believe that the real them is not acceptable. 

Then they put in all this effort to be someone else, someone who they think others want to see and be with. 

And even if this is working for a while, the time will definitely come when they get tired and their frustration will achieve and pass their limits. 

This can affect their mental health pretty badly, plus they might gather a lot of frustration with their partner if their partner is not always responding to their behaviour as they wish they would. 

And their partner might feel cheated and lied to if they end up discovering that their partner is not who they thought they are. 

How can this behavior be unlearned or changed?

Luckily, yes! 


Effort and self-awareness can unlearn or change “Pick me” behavior.

The following are some strategies that may be helpful in unlearning or changing “pick me” behavior:

  1. Identify the root causes: Understanding the underlying reasons for engaging in “pick me” behavior is important in unlearning it. This may involve exploring past experiences, societal pressures, or personal beliefs that may be contributing to the behavior.
  1. Set boundaries: Setting clear boundaries with others can help to establish healthy relationships and prevent “pick me” behavior. This may involve saying no to requests or expectations that do not align with one’s values or needs.
  1. Practice self-care: Prioritizing self-care can help to build self-esteem and reduce the need for external validation. This may involve engaging in activities that bring joy or fulfillment, connecting with supportive friends or family members, or seeking professional help if needed.
  1. Practice self-compassion: It’s important to be kind and compassionate with oneself when trying to unlearn “pick me” behavior. This may involve reframing negative self-talk, focusing on personal strengths, and celebrating small successes along the way.
  1. Seek support: Seeking support from others can be helpful in unlearning “pick me” behavior. This may involve connecting with a therapist or coach who can provide guidance and support, or engaging in a support group with others who are also working to unlearn similar behaviors.
  1. Overall, unlearning “pick me” behavior may take time and effort, but it is possible with self-awareness, practice, and support. By prioritizing one’s own needs and values, setting boundaries, and practicing self-care and self-compassion, individuals can create healthy and authentic relationships with others.

How can individuals who feel pressure to be a “pick me” girl or boy shift their mindset and behavior to become more confident and authentic?

Individuals who feel pressure to be a “pick me” girl or boy can shift their mindset and behavior to become more confident and authentic by taking intentional steps to build their self-esteem and prioritize their own needs and values. 

Here are some strategies that can help:

  1. Identify and challenge negative self-talk: Negative self-talk can erode self-esteem and contribute to “pick me” behavior. 

Individuals can begin to shift their mindset by identifying negative self-talk and challenging it with more positive and affirming self-talk.

  1. Practice self-care: Engaging in activities that bring joy and fulfillment can help to boost self-esteem and reduce the need for external validation. 

It could include exercise, hobbies, or spending time with supportive friends or family members.

  1. Build skills and knowledge: Building skills and knowledge in areas of interest can help to increase confidence and self-esteem. 

This may involve taking a class, pursuing a hobby, or seeking professional development opportunities.

  1. Set boundaries: Setting clear boundaries with others can help to establish healthy relationships and prevent “pick me” behavior. 

This may involve saying no to requests or expectations that do not align with one’s values or needs.

  1. Connect with supportive others: Connecting with supportive friends or family members who value and respect the individual can help to boost self-esteem and provide a sense of community.
  1. Seek professional help: If “pick me” behavior is deeply ingrained and impacting daily life, seeking professional help from a therapist or coach may be beneficial in working through underlying issues and developing new strategies for building confidence and authenticity.

Overall, shifting from a “pick me” mindset to one of confidence and authenticity may take time and effort. 

But it is possible with intentional practice and support. 

By prioritizing self-care, building skills and knowledge, setting boundaries, and connecting with supportive others, individuals can cultivate a sense of confidence and authenticity in themselves and their relationships with others.

I hope this article has shed some light on what a ‘pick me’ girl or boy is and how to potentially deal with them. 

If you find yourself having these types of behaviors, you can see and understand why you should instead work on the real issue and that is to bring out to light your true self.

Your gorgeous and unique self, that people would actually like to see. 

And you know what? It is totally ok if not everybody likes you.

As long as you’re authentic, the right people will always be drawn to you.

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